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anonymous
1. Most Blues begin "Woke up this mornin'..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way
to begin the Blues, unless you stick somethin'
nasty in the nex' line like, "I got a good
woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first
line right, repeat it. Then find somethin' that
rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with
the meanest face in town. Yeah, I got a good woman
with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like
Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is NOT about choice. You stuck in
a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down
trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or
Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation
is a Greyhound bus or a southboun' train. Jet
aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't
even in the runnin'. Walkin' plays a major part
in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin'to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't
fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues,
"adulthood" means being old enough to
get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but
not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times
in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City
are good places to have the
Blues. New Orleans, Memphis, Greenwood, Mobile
and Statesboro are even better places to have
the Blues cause that's where Blues was born.Actually,a
dirt farm in the Mississippi delta is the best
possible place to
have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any
place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the
blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is.
Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not
the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator
be chompin' on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping
mall. The lighting is all wrong. Go outside to
the parkin' lot or sit down by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you
wear a suit, 'lessn you happen to be an ol' ethnic
person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes,if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
No,if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter
of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues.
Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got
a legup on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give
you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable
Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun
shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back
by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So is the 'lectric chair, substance abuse and
dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have
a Blues death if you die during a tennis match
or
while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber,Debbie,
and Heather can'tsing the Blues no matter how
many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple,
Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit,
Lemon, Lime,Kiwi,(etc.)
c. last name President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,
etc.) For example:
Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or
Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you
own even one computer, you
cannot sing the blues.
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